Kea-ism # 27- A Kick in the NUT...CRACKER

I can not stand when SOME people say... "THE NUTCRACKER IS MY FAVORITE BALLET!"


REALLY?!? Your favorite, huh? Let's test the validity of the above statement, shall we?

Here's the test:
Name another ballet that you have seen. As a matter of fact, without the help of GOOGLE, simply name another ballet in the next five seconds. Go! ...4...3...2...1...

Did you name one? If so, then for you the above statement is true, you don't suck at life and this rant is NOT for you.

HOWEVER, If you are within the 99.5% of the human population who have uttered this statement AND can not name another ballet, let alone prove that they have actually sat through another ballet (in its entirety)... YOU ARE A HORRIBLE FAILURE AND THE TRUTH IS NOT IN YOU! Of course The Nutcracker is you favorite ballet, Caption Obvious... IT'S THE ONLY ONE YOU KNOW. By default it will be your favorite. It is also, by default, your LEAST favorite. Did you ever think about that? Somehow you have found a way to reach a level of stupidity in which you are able to LOVE and HATE the same thing... at the same time.

Furthermore, there are hundreds of different versions of the NUTCRACKER. Do you know which one you saw? Who performed it? How did it end? ...but it's your favorite? Who composed the music? Do you even know that?

Let's travel even further down the proverbial rabbit hole. HAVE YOU ACTUALLY SEEN THE NUTCRACKER? ...or is it just something you know is on every year around Christmas time on PBS? What's the story? Is about a little girl's wish to give those arrogant WALNUTS what's coming to them (sitting in that fruit basket taunting her with their INTACT shells. Who do they think they are?), or is it a night out in your best formal wear to watch ball busting physical comedy? Neither of which is true... but you knew that cuz It's your favorite ballet, right?

How about we do this... the next time you say "The Nutcracker is my FAVORITE ballet", a giant nutcracker is going to come out of the shadows of the night and ring your doorbell. When you answer, he will kick you in the NUTS (or your lady part equivalent), smack you across the face with a Tchaikovsky's Greatest Hits Album and leave a copy of SWAN LAKE on your front porch. Then maybe you'll learn to keep your ignorance to yourself!


This rant has been brought to you by the letter K and the number 19! Thank you :o)