Kea (from out of nowhere): "Wanker"
Sierra (incredulous): ".... what?!"
Kea: "Wanker. I don't know why, I just felt like saying it."
Sierra: "Do you know what that means?"
Kea: "No, what does it mean?"
Sierra: "It's a person who beats off a lot."
Kea: "... oh... Is that what 'jolly wanker' means?"
Sierra: "I didn't know that was a term; is it British?"
Kea: "Yes."
Sierra: "Then yes - that's what that means."
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
If Donald Trump Becomes President... (Part 2)
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2011/04/19/trump-stumbles-over-abortion-issue/#more-155514
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
If Donald Trump Becomes President... (Part 1)
Options:
- Move to Canada
- Sierra would subsist on Tofu, veggies, and salmon. She would live on a farm in British Columbia (because that's where Ryan Reynolds is from), raise Alpacas and chickens, and domesticate bears like that one marijuana plantation.
- Kea would live in Quebec (so she can speak French), and develop a love for hockey
- Alternately, Kea could live on Sierra's farm, and boss Sierra around all day.
- Move someplace where we could mistaken for natives
- Sierra could go to France, or to Italy if she gets a tan. Either way, she has to keep her mouth shut.
- Kea could go to Africa, and keep her mouth shut.
- This could be a problem, since eventually something aggravating would happen and an avalanche of American obscenities would come spilling out of their mouths and the ruse would be DESTROYED.
- Move to Australia
- Because they would at least accept our potty mouths, and we wouldn't need to learn another language.
- Also there are kangaroos
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Office Shenanigans- Episode # 732: "Like" is such a STRONG word!
*after hearing a story about disturbing an old russian guy (who I've decided is fat and hairly and wrinkly and sweaty for no particular reason) in a sauna...this happened:* (Kea): I've decided that because of what you just said... I don't think I like you... (Sierra): You LOVE me! You know you love me! (Kea): Nope, I don't... I don't believe I know that! (Sierra): Well, then you are mistaken! (Kea): Well now because of what you just said... I've decided to move from "like you"... skip over "dislike you"... skip over "tolerate you in small doses" ... to LOATHING YOU ENTIRELY! (Sierra): Wait... shouldnt you tolerate someone before you decide to dislike them? You would actually tolerate someone you dislike? (Kea): Well yeah... cuz sometimes you work with those people! :oP *smile* (Sierra): Well played...
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Office Shenanigans - Episode # 32: Heavenly Lunch
Kea reads soup can label: "RICH & HEARTY Chicken Corn Chowder flavored with Bacon" Kea: This soup is flavored with BACON?!? THIS SOUP WAS MADE BY GOD!!! :oP
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Wisdom teeth operation without anesthesia > Country Music
Kea's morning: Saw a pickup truck with a sticker on the window saying "Thank God I'm a Country Man", and a license plate reading "1REDDNK"
Sierra's morning: Waking up to Country music. Again. That's the third time in less than seven days.
Sierra's attitude toward Country music: I'd be willing to have four impacted wisdom teeth removed, using only local anesthesia (meaning I'd be conscious), while listening to country music if it meant I never had to hear country EVER AGAIN. So we're all clear, you hear your own teeth crunching during that operation, which induces panic and vomiting in this little pig.
Happy Wednesday!
Sierra's morning: Waking up to Country music. Again. That's the third time in less than seven days.
Sierra's attitude toward Country music: I'd be willing to have four impacted wisdom teeth removed, using only local anesthesia (meaning I'd be conscious), while listening to country music if it meant I never had to hear country EVER AGAIN. So we're all clear, you hear your own teeth crunching during that operation, which induces panic and vomiting in this little pig.
Happy Wednesday!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Cats > Human Relationships
**watching a commercial where a man proposes to his special lady by giving her a kitten with a tag that reads "will you marry us?"**
Mom: If Dave's watching, I bet he takes a cue from this and that's how he proposes.
Sierra: Oh nice - I get a cat!
Note: There was no hesitation, and it wasn't until after I finished my sentence that I realized that probably wasn't the most appropriate response.
Mom: If Dave's watching, I bet he takes a cue from this and that's how he proposes.
Sierra: Oh nice - I get a cat!
Note: There was no hesitation, and it wasn't until after I finished my sentence that I realized that probably wasn't the most appropriate response.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
OFFICE SHENANIGANS- Episode 91: Insensitivity > or = Cruel Jokes?
Sierra: There was an Earthquake in New Zealand.
Kea: *non-chalantly* I don't care!
Sierra: ... and the Cesar dog food company is changing their dog to a different type
Kea: GAAAAASP!!!!!!!!!!! (shocked stare... mouth agape... horrified look)
Sierra: *hysterical laughter* I was joking!!! Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha...
Kea: You're so mean... :o(
Kea: *non-chalantly* I don't care!
Sierra: ... and the Cesar dog food company is changing their dog to a different type
Kea: GAAAAASP!!!!!!!!!!! (shocked stare... mouth agape... horrified look)
Sierra: *hysterical laughter* I was joking!!! Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha...
Kea: You're so mean... :o(
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Sierra + Kea = Sisters from Despicable Me
Despicable Me is on in the background of our workday.
The part where Gru adopts the three little girls just happened, and the girls haven't met Gru yet. Here is what happens in the script:
Sister 1: I bet the mom is beautiful
Sister 2: I bet the dad's eyes sparkle
Sister 3: I bet their house is made of gummy bears ***Pause, during which Kea and I make eye contact*** I'm just saying it'd be nice....
Sierra: "That's me! And you're my two buzz-kill sisters: BOTH of them!"
The part where Gru adopts the three little girls just happened, and the girls haven't met Gru yet. Here is what happens in the script:
Sister 1: I bet the mom is beautiful
Sister 2: I bet the dad's eyes sparkle
Sister 3: I bet their house is made of gummy bears ***Pause, during which Kea and I make eye contact*** I'm just saying it'd be nice....
Sierra: "That's me! And you're my two buzz-kill sisters: BOTH of them!"
Monday, January 24, 2011
Kea-ism # 27- A Kick in the NUT...CRACKER
I can not stand when SOME people say... "THE NUTCRACKER IS MY FAVORITE BALLET!"
REALLY?!? Your favorite, huh? Let's test the validity of the above statement, shall we?
Here's the test:
Name another ballet that you have seen. As a matter of fact, without the help of GOOGLE, simply name another ballet in the next five seconds. Go! ...4...3...2...1...
Did you name one? If so, then for you the above statement is true, you don't suck at life and this rant is NOT for you.
HOWEVER, If you are within the 99.5% of the human population who have uttered this statement AND can not name another ballet, let alone prove that they have actually sat through another ballet (in its entirety)... YOU ARE A HORRIBLE FAILURE AND THE TRUTH IS NOT IN YOU! Of course The Nutcracker is you favorite ballet, Caption Obvious... IT'S THE ONLY ONE YOU KNOW. By default it will be your favorite. It is also, by default, your LEAST favorite. Did you ever think about that? Somehow you have found a way to reach a level of stupidity in which you are able to LOVE and HATE the same thing... at the same time.
Furthermore, there are hundreds of different versions of the NUTCRACKER. Do you know which one you saw? Who performed it? How did it end? ...but it's your favorite? Who composed the music? Do you even know that?
Let's travel even further down the proverbial rabbit hole. HAVE YOU ACTUALLY SEEN THE NUTCRACKER? ...or is it just something you know is on every year around Christmas time on PBS? What's the story? Is about a little girl's wish to give those arrogant WALNUTS what's coming to them (sitting in that fruit basket taunting her with their INTACT shells. Who do they think they are?), or is it a night out in your best formal wear to watch ball busting physical comedy? Neither of which is true... but you knew that cuz It's your favorite ballet, right?
How about we do this... the next time you say "The Nutcracker is my FAVORITE ballet", a giant nutcracker is going to come out of the shadows of the night and ring your doorbell. When you answer, he will kick you in the NUTS (or your lady part equivalent), smack you across the face with a Tchaikovsky's Greatest Hits Album and leave a copy of SWAN LAKE on your front porch. Then maybe you'll learn to keep your ignorance to yourself!
This rant has been brought to you by the letter K and the number 19! Thank you :o)
REALLY?!? Your favorite, huh? Let's test the validity of the above statement, shall we?
Here's the test:
Name another ballet that you have seen. As a matter of fact, without the help of GOOGLE, simply name another ballet in the next five seconds. Go! ...4...3...2...1...
Did you name one? If so, then for you the above statement is true, you don't suck at life and this rant is NOT for you.
HOWEVER, If you are within the 99.5% of the human population who have uttered this statement AND can not name another ballet, let alone prove that they have actually sat through another ballet (in its entirety)... YOU ARE A HORRIBLE FAILURE AND THE TRUTH IS NOT IN YOU! Of course The Nutcracker is you favorite ballet, Caption Obvious... IT'S THE ONLY ONE YOU KNOW. By default it will be your favorite. It is also, by default, your LEAST favorite. Did you ever think about that? Somehow you have found a way to reach a level of stupidity in which you are able to LOVE and HATE the same thing... at the same time.
Furthermore, there are hundreds of different versions of the NUTCRACKER. Do you know which one you saw? Who performed it? How did it end? ...but it's your favorite? Who composed the music? Do you even know that?
Let's travel even further down the proverbial rabbit hole. HAVE YOU ACTUALLY SEEN THE NUTCRACKER? ...or is it just something you know is on every year around Christmas time on PBS? What's the story? Is about a little girl's wish to give those arrogant WALNUTS what's coming to them (sitting in that fruit basket taunting her with their INTACT shells. Who do they think they are?), or is it a night out in your best formal wear to watch ball busting physical comedy? Neither of which is true... but you knew that cuz It's your favorite ballet, right?
How about we do this... the next time you say "The Nutcracker is my FAVORITE ballet", a giant nutcracker is going to come out of the shadows of the night and ring your doorbell. When you answer, he will kick you in the NUTS (or your lady part equivalent), smack you across the face with a Tchaikovsky's Greatest Hits Album and leave a copy of SWAN LAKE on your front porch. Then maybe you'll learn to keep your ignorance to yourself!
This rant has been brought to you by the letter K and the number 19! Thank you :o)
Kea-ism #91- Phantom of the Opera
People who say they don't want to see "PHANTOM of the OPERA" because they don't like OPERAS.
Phantom of the Opera is NOT an opera, it's not even an opera about an opera. IT IS A MUSICAL! It is a musical about an opera HOUSE (...not an opera!!!).
People who make the above statement are stupid, uncultured, and worthless to society and if you know someone who says this... REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THEIR PRESENCE IMMEDIATELY before their stupid rubs off on you!
Phantom of the Opera is NOT an opera, it's not even an opera about an opera. IT IS A MUSICAL! It is a musical about an opera HOUSE (...not an opera!!!).
People who make the above statement are stupid, uncultured, and worthless to society and if you know someone who says this... REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THEIR PRESENCE IMMEDIATELY before their stupid rubs off on you!
Office Shenanigans- Episode 5: "Brrrrrrr..."
Kea: OMG WHY IS IT SO EFFING COLD IN HERE?!?!?
*Kea turns on space heater*
Kea: Sierra, did you leave your heart open again?
Sierra: *sigh* U suck...
*Kea turns on space heater*
Kea: Sierra, did you leave your heart open again?
Sierra: *sigh* U suck...
Friday, January 14, 2011
Kea-ism 245: Virgin seeks horseman
In response to the decision (by astrologers, NOT scientists) to keep astrological dates the same, regardless of the actual positioning of the earth in relation to the sun:
"You're still a virgin... and I'm still a horse-man."
"You're still a virgin... and I'm still a horse-man."
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Boysenberry
S: Do I want a milkshake?
K:I don't know, do you?
S: I think I do
K: What flavor?
S: Boysenberry
K:Is that a delicious flavor for a milkshake, or a delicious sexual treat?
S: Right now it's a flavor of a milkshake... but this weekend it may be that other one.
K:I don't know, do you?
S: I think I do
K: What flavor?
S: Boysenberry
K:Is that a delicious flavor for a milkshake, or a delicious sexual treat?
S: Right now it's a flavor of a milkshake... but this weekend it may be that other one.
Monday, January 3, 2011
KEA-ISM #8: Strippers are Real People too!
I think it's so rude to NOT place money in a person's hand when purchasing something! You should never just throw money at people unless they are stirppers. That's the only profession where that's acceptable... and even then it's only when they are working because strippers are real people too when they have on real clothes!
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